Fear and Loathing at Ronald Reagan National Airport

I hate flying. I hate everything about it. First, you have to stand in a long line to have some TSA employee either see you naked on a monitor in some undisclosed location or let them feel you up if you opt out of the body scan. Make sure to remove your shoes, sweater, belt, watch, and dignity lest you have an abnormality that gets you groped in spite of going through the scanner.

But it isn't just the ridiculous security theater that gets me. I can no longer bring gels or liquids in quantities larger than 3 ounces through security. I am still not used to this restriction after years of suffering through it. My hair products don't come in travel size. So I can pay the airline blood money to check a bag or make due with a pony tail during my trip. Speaking of blood money, if I want to drink something while I wait endlessly to board, I can pay $3 or more for a soda or bottled water, because those items can't come through the security checkpoint.

Once my rage about the TSA has subsided, and I am finished muttering about how the terrorists have already won or given my obligatory speil about how much better the security is in Israel, I have to get on the plane.

It boggles my mind that after decades of aviation, the boarding process remains entirely inefficient and fucked (apologies if the language offends, but it's just the right word). What part of get out of the aisle is so hard to understand? And, the battle for overhead bin space is like something out of Hunger Games.

After all the trials of getting on the plane with my luggage, I get to sit in a cramped seat with a small ration of free beverages from a surly flight attendant all while terrified at 32,000 feet.

I have been flying my whole life. Each trip lately is more terrifying. Every bump or vibration makes me clutch my armrest and close my eyes while praying we smooth out. When I land at my destination, I am relieved and eager to get the hell off of that crowded tin can that seems to be full of people who have never been on a plane before. Because getting off the plane quickly and efficiently seems to be more difficult than getting on that way.

I realize flying is a necessary evil. I like to visit places and vacation. I just may need to start medicating to do it.